At what point in a romantic relationship, do people simply lose their names? Is it at the onset of exclusive dating? Does this occur at the six month anniversary of being together? Does it happen the subsequent morning of the first pajama party? Once you move in? When you become engaged? Or does it occur after the wedding bells are rung? To me, this is a mind baffling situation, but at some undefined and mystical time, the given names are replaced. One or both become “Honey”, “Dear” or “Baby”. There are, of course, more uncommon names such as “Sweetie Pie”, “Tootsie Bird” or “Love Muffin”, but the first three are the most widely used. Trust me on this as I’ve done extensive research.
The “when” is less of a question as the “why”. What’s wrong with the names we were assigned at birth? Too easy to forget? Too difficult to spell? Too hard on the ears? The result of this phenomenon is that all those in a committed relationship basically have one of three names. However, those are only their names to their respective mates. To everyone else, their regular names are used. How confusing is that? One’s wife calls you “Dear”, and everyone else calls you “Mortimer”.
It gets worse. What typically happens when you’re in a crowded room full of families, and someone shouts “Daddy”? Fifty guys turn around looking to see who’s calling them. It’s different when this occurs with mommies because women have much more acute hearing and they can pick their child’s voice out of a million screaming meemies. This may not be politically correct, but men are typically too wrapped up watching sporting events to develop that keen ability. We are however, quick to hear the tribal call of “Dear” or “Honey” from our love partner and can easily discern by the intonation, whether or not we’re in trouble.
Why not instead, assign unique and impersonalized numbers to our love partners? This can be the special way we call each other without being confused with someone else’s “Tootsie” or “Snuggle Bunny”. “Yes Number 33625, you are my hunk of burning love.” OK, maybe that’s not such a good idea.
Well, I guess it’s not so bad to have more than one name. At least you know that someone cares enough to treat you like a pet.