Private Parts
Who do you think came up with the names for our body parts? It’s a real mystery, as no one really knows. And why in the world would those references be so funny sounding? The mere mention of our privates causes many to giggle. Don’t we name most things as they relate to their function? Apparently, not here.
For instance, a computer computes, right? A front-end loader loads. A television promotes vision. Well, that doesn’t quite work, but you can see what I mean.
Now in my unrelenting quest to right all of the wrongs in our world, I have several suggestions to correct some of these stupid naming mistakes.
Let’s take the word penis (no giggling). What kind of word is that? It hardly relates to or describes its function, does it? No. It should be called a pee-er or screwer, because that’s what it does. Same with vagina. What the hell does that mean? Again, it should have a more functional name, like seducer or receiver.
How about bosom? Obviously, it should be termed a milker. Think about the gluteus maximus. Actually, I spend way too much time thinking about those (mostly as they relate to women), and bosoms too. But I digress. Anyway, why gluteus? I understand the maximus part, as some are really quite maximus. Nope, I would simply call it a sitter (not shitter, although that would work too). There should actually be two terms for one’s bottom: sitter minimus and sitter maximus. Either one would depend on the person.
As long as we’re on the subject, why do they call it a restroom? Do you ever see anyone taking a nap in there? Powder room? That’s likely OK for those who need some privacy to snort coke. How about a half bath? Does it only have a half bathtub? Then the water runs all over the place, right? Maybe you can only do one or the other there, and not both, if you know what I mean. And why is it a bathroom anyway? Who’s dropping by your house for a bath? Life is just full of these unanswered questions. No, it should be called the poop place or the tinkle place—or probably more correctly, the poonkle place.
There’s more. An arm should be termed the extender, and a leg should be named the stander. Eyes should be seekers, or maybe peek-a-boo-ers. And ears, hearers. Not so difficult, right?
Now having said all that, I would not change the name of the heart. Beater just doesn’t seem to cut it. After all, everyone has to have a heart, so I would leave that one alone.
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