Private Parts

2015-08-19 09_09_42-Xbox     Who do you think came up with the names for our body parts? It’s a real mystery as no one really knows. And why in the world would those references be so funny sounding? The mere mention of our privates causes many to giggle. Don’t we name most things as they relate to their function? Apparently, not here.

For instance, a computer computes, right? A front-end loader, loads. A television promotes vision. Well, that doesn’t quite work, but you can see what I mean.

Now in my unrelenting quest to right all of the wrongs in our world, I have several suggestions to correct some of these stupid naming mistakes.

Let’s take the word “penis” (no giggling). What kind of word is that? It hardly relates to, or describes its function, does it? No, it should be called a “pee-er” or “screwer”, because that’s what it does. Same with “vagina”. What the hell does that mean? Again, it should have a more functional name, like “seducer” or “receiver”.

How about “bosom”? Obviously, it should be termed a “milker”. Think about the “gluteus maximus”. Actually, I spend way too much time thinking about those (mostly as they relate to women), and bosoms too. But I digress. Anyway, why gluteus? I understand the maximus part, as some are really quite maximus. Nope, I would simply call it a “sitter” (not shitter, although that would work too). There should actually be two terms for one’s bottom-“sitter minimus”, and “sitter maximus”. Either one would depend on the person.

As long as we’re on the subject, why do they call it a “rest room”? Do you ever see anyone taking a nap in there? Powder room? (that’s likely OK for those who need some privacy to snort coke). How about a half bath? Does it only have a half bathtub? Then the water runs all over the place, right? Maybe you can only do one or the other there, and not both, if you know what I mean. And why is it a bathroom anyway? Who’s’ dropping by your house for a bath? Life is just full of these unanswered questions. No, it should be called the “poop place” or the “tinkle place” (or probably more correctly, “the ponkle place”).

Here’s more. An “arm” should be termed the “extender”, and a leg should be named the “stander”. “Eyes”, “seekers” (or peek-aboo-ers); “ears”, “hearers”. Not so difficult, right?

Now having said all of that, I would not change the name of the heart. “Beater” just doesn’t seem to cut it. After all, everyone has to have heart, so I would leave that one alone.