English Language
I’ve just discovered the actual minutes from the meeting where the written version of the English language was invented. It’s an amazing read. Written in Olde English, it’s a bit hard to follow, but I’m able to report on some of the highlights.
The group apparently didn’t have any last names. They included Lloyd, Jeff, Aaron, Scott and Ann. Their first order of business was to give each other an extra letter in their names. I guess they had a heavy dose of self-importance, and obviously wanted to confuse all readers and writers.
It also seems there was a lot of wine consumed at this event. That’s the best explanation I have as to why they insisted on leaving their bizarre marks on this daunting task. It’s obvious they wanted to have lots of fun at our expense.
You see, this group set up some very special (some would call insane) spelling rules. For instance, take words like wind, polish and bass. Ann decided to make sure they can be pronounced other ways to mean completely different things. Brilliant.
Aaron invented words that contain lots of extra letters that are silent and therefore not pronounced. When he spelled Illinois, he felt like he had really accomplished something. He sure did.
Of course, Lloyd had some nasty mommy and daddy issues in his background. He demanded that mom and dad be spelled backwards. He also coined the term revenge. Lloyd appeared to be a little odd.
The best idea was Scott’s. He came up with a way to have several words sound the same, although spelled differently and meaning something else entirely. Take sleigh and slay, for instance. A stroke of genius.
And where did the ridiculous “I before e, except after c” rule (unless it’s Thursday, in which case it’s the complete opposite) come from? Jeff, the crazy party animal, that’s who.
At the end of the minutes, I uncovered what was clearly an international conspiracy. It seems there was a method to their madness after all. What better way to keep foreigners from ever understanding the English language than to create these ridiculous rules and spellings. That was their attempt at self-preservation. Need I say more?
Tagged as: English Language