Guarantees
You hear some people say there are no guarantees in life. I’m not one of those people, as there are clearly lots and lots of guarantees.
Of course, we have the easy ones. I can guarantee that you WILL pay taxes, as you can only avoid them for so long. It is also positively guaranteed that you will die someday. This usually happens at the end of your life.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I suggest that all of these things will absolutely happen to you someday. I guarantee it.
You will:
- Have an entire phone conversation with no one but voice prompts, not speaking with a live human being for even a single second. Make that many conversations.
- Not be stomped to death by an elephant who broke into your house to eat your cornflakes.
- Try to use the TV remote and realize that a lazy someone has taken the batteries out to power their stupid video game.
- See the light of day.
- Definitely encounter an idiot who gives you the wrong change at the checkout counter. This will likely happen more than once in your life.
- Never outrun yourself.
- Wake up one morning, having no any idea where you are or how you got there. (This will mostly occur during your single years.)
- Not ever die choking on or OD’ing on an overabundance of marshmallows.
- Be touched by an angel, although they may not be wearing their standard uniform.
- Sassed by your children. I really promise you that one.
- Go into the refrigerator to eat last night’s leftover pizza, only to find that mice have already devoured it, and only left the box.
- Rush because you are late for a business appointment, only to find that you went to the wrong place, and on the wrong day yet.
- Find your long lost keys in your underwear—usually right next to your long lost cell phone.
Please don’t doubt me on any of these, as I promise you can take these guarantees to the bank. Or wherever else you chose to stick it.
Tagged as: Children • Death • Food • Guarantees • Taxes