History Lesson No. 2: Revolutionary War
In honor of Independence Day, I think it’s important to set the record straight, and dispel many of the myths related to the birth of our great country.
First, Paul Revere, who is widely regarded as a hero who warned the townspeople of the impending British invasion, was grossly misquoted. Yes, the “one if by land, and two if by sea” signal accurately depicts the events preceding his fateful ride. However, that’s not the whole story. By way of background, it seems there was a hugely popular mega-brothel in Boston at the time, which was frequented by many of the troops loyal to the King. It turned out that Paul was a bit late in his warning ride, because by the time he got the signal, the enemy had already landed. So Paul thought he could distract them by announcing that a new group of ladies of the evening had just arrived. Hoping this would cause the British to rush to the whorehouse instead of engaging in battle with the Continental Army, he rode up and down the street yelling at the top of his lungs, “The bitches are coming, the bitches are coming.” What an innovative guy he was.
Next, there has been a long-standing theory about the purpose of John Hancock’s rather prominent and oversized signature on the Declaration of 
Independence. It’s been explained that since he was the first to sign, he wanted King George III to easily see his moniker. In reality, that’s not what happened. You see, poor Mr. Hancock was nearly blind, and could only read things printed in very large type. He was a trusting soul, and when Thomas Jefferson put the document in front of him to sign, he actually thought he was signing a contract TJ had written for him. Mr. Jefferson had convinced him that the life story of John Hancock was so fascinating, Hollywood would pay millions for it. He thought he was signing a contract selling the rights to his story, and to actually star in an upcoming blockbuster movie. It was several years later that Mr. Jefferson broke the news to him that indeed, Hollywood had abandoned the project. However, Mr. Hancock had an insurance company interested in using his name. Sadly, he died before he ever saw a nickel from that opportunity.
We’ve all learned about the great story of the Tea Party in Boston Harbor. The settlers allegedly staged this protest by dressing up as Native Americans, raiding the ships and tossing the tea overboard. Not so. It turns out that a bunch of drunken American sailors were planning a wet t-shirt contest on that particular night. Coincidently, those ships were delivering several crates of brand new t-shirts, which the sailors had planned to hijack. They were made in Indonesia (in their sweatshops, no less), and were to be delivered to Walmart’s main warehouse. Although the contest was widely advertised, unfortunately, no women showed up, not even from the BBB (Big Boston Brothel). So the sailors, who had been to sea for months and were really looking forward to ogling many of the local women, were, in a word, pissed off (actually two words). So what did they do? They bought some clothes at the American Indian Trinket Store and tossed the t-shirts into the harbor. This way, the locals would just blame the Tee Party on the Indians. After all, they were blamed for everything else anyway.
Hopefully, someday soon, our history books will be updated to reflect these real events. It’s so important that I’m going to put that on my to-do list. Soon.
Tagged as: History • Independence Day • Myths