Lost and Found
OK, I found it, so who lost it? I’ve been searching and searching for its rightful owner, but to no avail. Putting up posters on telephone poles and handing out flyers has not worked either. I have therefore resorted to the mighty internet. Everyone is connected to the internet, and I’m hoping the rightful owner reads this. I know you are out there, and I want to get this back to you as soon as 
possible. I’m sure you are missing it, and I am very uncomfortable carrying it around.
Yes, finders keepers, losers weepers and all of that, but this is really not supposed to be mine. It doesn’t even look like it belongs to me, and I can’t believe that there is no name tag or other way to identify its proper master. It almost seemed to have sought me out, as it’s now attached itself. Lucky me. It follows me around everywhere, and I can’t get rid of it. Even though it doesn’t smell or make any noise, I’m constantly slowed down by it, and the attention requirement is way too much for me. What with the caring and feeding, this has become a nightmare. A very expensive nightmare.
Hell, at this point I’ll even pay you to take it back. Please, please, please come forward and claim your property already. It has literally taken over my life, and I just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s a horrible responsibility, which now keeps me up at night. Desperately trying to get rid of it has literally become an obsession for me. I’ve even tried just dumping it somewhere, but like a bad dream, it keeps coming back to me. It’s not like I could simply throw it into a dumpster or anything, as there are likely laws against that. With my luck, I would get caught and hauled off to jail. How embarrassing would that be?
I feel like Don Quixote in this quest to reunite it with its proper title holder. When I ask people about it, they just think I’m crazy (which I am, of course, but that’s another story). It’s such a lonely feeling, trying to do the right thing in a world where no one else cares or has any desire to help me in my plight.
So one last time, and I’m really begging here: If you lost ten pounds recently, I have found it. I wasn’t looking for it, but somehow it has found me. I don’t want it, I don’t need it and I don’t even like it. I sincerely hope you’re not offended by those remarks, and that I haven’t hurt your feelings, so please take it back. I just don’t have the stomach for it anymore. Actually, that’s really the problem.
Please come forward, as there will be no questions asked. This can all be done very anonymously; I’ll even close my eyes. I thank you in advance for finally taking this off my hands (and stomach).
Tagged as: Fitness • Food • Health • Weight