Oui Oui
(Oui Oui, as in French; not Wee-Wee, as in Pee-pee).
France. What a rather ungrateful country, if you ask me. Thousands of brave U.S. soldiers gave their lives to help kick out foreign invaders, who inflicted the worst kinds of tyranny on their citizens.
Not only did we help them restore their freedoms, but we literally rebuilt their country. Twice. We saved their asses in two World Wars, and how do they thank us? French fries, that’s how.
Do you know how many people die each year from eating too many French fries? Me neither. But I’ll bet it’s a lot. Think of the tons of grease we ingest over a lifetime because of those decadently delicious potato morsels. It’s a conspiracy, I say. For whatever warped reason, the French chose to somehow punish us for helping them. And to add insult to injury, they have decimated our entire eating habits by requiring every food-order taker to ask that very fateful question: “Do you want fries with that?” Not only do the French affect our dietary choices, but they have invaded our everyday lexicon. That phrase now has plenty of other hidden meanings. The nerve of them.
There is only one way to fight back, and that is to use the old American tradition begun by our forefathers (and foremothers) way back in colonial days. Yes, we should start our own boycott of French products. We can even symbolically toss their tea overboard in the Boston Harbor (I’m guessing there’s such a thing as French tea). American patriots should give up everything French. That includes French bread, French pastry, French toast, French dressing and French onion soup. Yeah, they can keep their French braids, French twists, French manicures and French poodles too (especially the manly ones insultingly named Fifi). And that goes for French doors and French horns as well. Everything French should go. Well, maybe we should keep French kisses. And probably those hot little French maid outfits—but only the ones for girls. But that’s it. And I won’t even think about pardoning my French.
Now what should we do with all of these leftover French products? We should send them to those nasty terrorists, and let them choke on them; that’s what we should do. Of course, we likely can’t rid our entire country of all those products, so I will valiantly volunteer to dispose of the leftover French fries. We all have to do our share for the cause, and I will sacrifice my massive male physique for the sake of our great country. It’s the least I can do. Oh, and I may need some extra ketchup.
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